‘Survivor’ Is Missing One Crucial, Game-Changing Twist: Speedos

Hold on to your buffs, because Survivor’s returning for Season 46. That means more alliances, more blindsides, more Beware Advantages, hopefully more of Jeff Probst’s knife skills, and more… shots of soggy boxer briefs that pipe the smell of a moldy dorm room direct from Fiji and into your living room. I would rather have Survivor 46’s score be replaced with the sounds of Sifu air guitaring than have to feel the secondhand clamminess of the Survivor men trudging back to camp following defeat while wearing nothing but some damp Hanes. Hey: speedos exist, and it is past time the players on Survivor got with it!

First of all, yes, I’m fully aware that this is an idiosyncratic complaint even for a show that deals with almost exclusively idiosyncratic complaints. But after going zero to 25 seasons watched in just four months, this is how my beautiful brain has chosen to analyze one of the most culturally significant television shows of the 21st century. I want to talk about strategy, gameplay, ethics, etc. — but I can’t do that while these men are standing there in droopy drawers. It’s too distracting — in all the wrong ways!

Even though I’m fully aware of the body-negative, homophobic, conformist, and/or debilitatingly macho vibes of America, I’m actually a little shocked that no male-identifying individual across 45 seasons of Survivor has realized just how perfectly suited the swim brief is to the game. This is a show that mainstreamed nudism on network TV in the year 2000, yet the dress code for guys seems stuck between nothing at all or a 3-pack of shorts they bought at Target the Sunday before flying out to Fiji. Then there are the dudes who wear swim trunks that force them to drag a few yards of soaking wet fabric along with a giant ladder or sack of giant puzzle pieces during an Immunity Challenge. And good god, don’t get me started on the men who participate in swimming challenges while wearing blue jeans and ridiculously large belt buckles. I’m looking at you, Caleb Reynolds.

Here’s the thing, y’all: speedos are meant to be aerodynamic… except underwater. So… aquadynamic? Whatever — they’re designed to give the wearer the least amount of drag possible. They don’t make you a better swimmer, but they also aren’t the Abercrombie anchor that most men wear. I will give props to the guys who at least adopted lycra boxer briefs, like Tyson Apostol did early on. But there’s still a few things that speedos have that no pair of boxer briefs have: full mobility and — most importantly on Survivor of all shows — they dry so quickly! No one on Survivor should have to go to Tribal Council in a pair of soaked shorts. No, the shorts should only be soaked after Jeff tallies the votes. Get it? Because of their nerves? Whatever.

But the speedo isn’t just a practical necessity for those who want to move freely and swiftly in swimming challenges (a.k.a. like 75% of challenges) and then go back to camp in a dry, comfortable swimsuit. Bringing speedos to Survivor would be another great example of the show’s generally unspoken strength: body neutrality. Everyone on Survivor wears the most pared down outfits possible, usually the equivalent of underwear. Sometimes this comes across as body positivity, with players remarking that they’re hoping to inspire others that look like them, but it usually comes across completely neutral — a non-issue.

People on Survivor are just people — of truly all shapes, sizes, ethnicities, origins, genders, and orientations. The beards and armpit hair flow freely and without shame, or at least presented by the show without shame. There’s almost a utopian aspect to the way everyone tends to focus on in-game reasons to feud instead of body-related reasons. And because American culture expects women to be thighs-out at all times, women of all body types usually compete wearing much less than the men.

And you don’t have to have a body like 45’s Austin or Bruce to wear a practical, commonsense swimwear choice. I have what I would proudly consider a Body By Jake O’Kane, and I wear speedos exclusively. It can be done.

All of this, BTW, is proven on Australian Survivor. Men regularly wear speedos (or budgies, as they’re sometimes known Down Under) in that competition, both in challenges and around camp, and it’s just normal.

In Australian Survivor: Titans vs. Rebels, two speedo-wearers even sport their tribes’ blue and pink colors during challenges. But what else would you expect? The swim brief style and the Speedo brand was literally invented in Australia.

So hear my plea, everyone currently auditioning for Survivor 47: go for it! Do the practical thing and the fun thing by wearing speedos on Survivor — quite possibly the only reality TV show in history that absolutely won’t body shame you in the edit. You deserve to feel your best while you’re competing for a million dollars or — even better — an Applebee’s reward dinner.